he was CRYING into my vagina
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
