the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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