Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
