I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
