forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
