I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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