our cab driver is having phone sex.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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