I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Someone shattered a urinal.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
