super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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