If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
