I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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