Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
