There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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