found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
