be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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