Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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