On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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