just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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