The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
