Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
