my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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