his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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