dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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