i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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