you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
