Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
