apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
