oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
