i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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