WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
