Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
