Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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