even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
