so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
