I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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