Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
