at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Randomize
