this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
