8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
