My hair reeks of homosexuality.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
