Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
