Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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