cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
