Please, let me fuck your mom
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
