I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
