I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
