Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
