Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
