They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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