Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
