Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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