He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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