people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Someone came in the potted fern
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
