i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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