Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
