Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I will pee on everything he values.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
