I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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