In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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